Stand up for what’s right. Did you do it?
1. Some time ago, the epidemic suddenly came to an end. The art class that my daughter was in just happened to have been training in Beijing for 40 days.Anxiety, fear, worry…Every day, parents are releasing all kinds of voices in the class group, and some parents are venting their anxiety: We are watching the progress of the epidemic under the pressure of our children’s relatives and friends, especially their parents, grandparents and grandparents…Seeing this sentence, I was surprised: it turns out that although parents of teenagers are decent adults, they can’t “be themselves” and will feel “under the pressure of elders”. Even though they are anxious, some elders will still exert pressure on their children who have already grown up for a long time.Coincidentally, my nephew, who recently entered the postgraduate entrance examination, had planned to enter a university in Zhengzhou before the entrance examination, but both my sister and my brother-in-law strongly opposed it, unaware that our son was already in his 20s and should make up his mind about his own affairs.My nephew finally followed the advice of my sister and my brother-in-law and enrolled in a university in Nanchang.After being admitted to graduate school, my nephew was very busy with his life and work. The key point was that my nephew’s tutor seemed to have an average personality, giving him problems everywhere and treating him as a tool man.My nephew is very sad, almost to depression, also do not want to read this graduate student, my sister and brother-in-law two people rushed to Nanchang, bully: do not read graduate student you why?Tell me what else you can do?Under the double pressure of parents, nephew only continue to suffer.I’m not saying my nephew shouldn’t suffer.At the very least, as parents, they should know more about what’s going on and consider what they know. At the very least, they should give their sons a chance to be heard.More importantly, the parenting style of my sister and her husband has turned my nephew into a “mama’s boy”. As he has been under orders from his parents since childhood, he has become a man without courage and very unsure of himself.All I know is, another person who didn’t “grow up” did.This kind of family upbringing is not uncommon.My nephew was born in the 1990s, and most of the parents in my daughter’s class were born in the 1980s. They are two different generations, but many of them still live under the control and pressure of their parents.Because such “education” prevails in many families, many people who have grown up have never really had an independent mind.Many people even 50 years of life, still do not have the courage to dare to do their own ideal thing.From small to large infiltration and “thought pollution”, resulting in excessive manipulation by parents since childhood, everything, only dare to follow the trend, and always look at the wind, blindly seek safety and security, afraid to face changes, live prudently and carefully.In the sense of psychology, “self-differentiation” is an ability that people gradually move towards self-independence in the process of growth.This concept first came from MurrayBowen, a representative of systematic family therapy.According to Bowen, self-differentiation is a necessary growth goal for family members, “the ability of an individual to distinguish between emotion and reason, between self and others”.In a happiness class, a psychology teacher explained “self-differentiation” this way: Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self.Psychologist Zeng Qifeng also once said, “Ten thousand diseases originate from undifferentiation”.3. In the real society, we will inevitably see many examples of incomplete differentiation. In short, a person has not achieved psychological independence in the process of growing up.Well into adulthood, they still habitually identify their parents’ emotions as their own, or project their own emotions onto their children, causing confusion around boundaries and a great source of personal pain.Every person who does not complete differentiation is unable to have a solid self and truly be himself.Always in doubt, unable to know whether the decisions you make are right or wrong, easily change the decisions you make, and unable to take responsibility bravely, do what you want to do, and say what you want to say.But it is a different story when one is well differentiated.Such a person can clearly distinguish other people’s emotions from his own emotions in the actual interaction with others. He can also have his own reason in the face of strong emotions and respond to the current situation with words and deeds that he wants to do in his heart according to different realities.A person who is truly successful at personal differentiation does not expect too much from others, does not get too disappointed in himself, does not judge things by winning or losing, and has the ability to be close to others and to be independent.A differentiated good people, always have the power to insist on his way, he would not have been kidnapped by parents or other people’s emotions, it is impossible to someone because of opposition – as long as don’t dare to do something that he really thought she was, he would have been determined to walk the road, not just because someone attack, block, or negative just give up.This is the ability of a person to truly be himself.4 Go further — I have a friend who is one of these people.When one of his friends is building a house on the mountain and is eager for his help, he will decide whether to go to the mountain to help according to his own situation and be faithful to his heart.The average person would feel guilty saying no, but he doesn’t, because he knows his choice is what he needs most at the moment.At the same time, he will also offer some help to his friends, such as introducing more suitable people to help, or when he is free at home to help make a design.Perhaps, in the future, when he is really free and free, he will go up and help his friends.But this does not contain the slightest ingratiation, and help for the sake of help, that is to say, he does not force others, nor force himself.This is the state of being yourself that a well-differentiated person can achieve.For example, when a loved one, family member or friend pressures you to change your mind and not do it, a person who is better at differentiation can also accept and change — when he feels that people are making sense;But if they don’t make sense to him, he doesn’t change, and he doesn’t make it a priority to follow their advice on a daily basis.And when he feels that an idea is very different from those around him, he doesn’t feel rejected, excluded, or rejected. He doesn’t feel alone, like I’m the only person in the world who thinks that way.In fact, in interpersonal relationships, those who have completed differentiation and can be independent are often liked by many people.More often than not, such people are not only better at their jobs, but they are even more popular than average.A person with a solid self is not a purely selfish person.On the contrary, their minds were wider than those of the undivided.Why is that?From the psychological phenomenon, a person who has not completed the differentiation will care very much about his parents’ opinions, he will also care very much about the opinions of other people in the society, he may be “good face”, or he may be cowardly and dare not bear.Their personality is often a little blurred in the crowd — a person who is not very good at who they are, who has not developed the confidence to be the person they want to be.Never independent people, since they care about what others think, the inner world will be relatively narrow.What he pays attention to is often his inner feelings, or he is always trying to figure out what others think of him. This will cause people to be unable to focus on the thing itself and have a lot of internal distractions, resulting in poor working and interpersonal skills.Because of a failed to complete differentiation and independence, after the adult, will put himself tightly bound together with parents, follow the old habit for many years, is about letting her intervention by the parents, let oneself mood affected by the parents, but can’t do the personality independence, mood, less to accept or reject ideas and comments from elders.So parents can easily influence their mood, and can really exercise the “turn on the stress” spiritual influence, like the parents in the little girls’ class.In fact, our Chinese family culture does not pay attention to independence and individuality, but to the whole, and often requires the next generation to learn to “value the overall situation” and “filial piety comes first”.This kind of education that values the overall situation has changed somewhat, and is no longer the wide-open cultural view of ancient times.It is often up to parents to decide what they want to “value the big picture”, sometimes just for the sake of saving face, asking their children to listen to their own ideas, or to condescend to the authority of others.On the other hand, parents are willing to kidnap children with filial piety culture, but they do not practice the ancient “upper order lower effect”, the father filial piety of the middle way balance thought.For example, when my friend talked about her mother-in-law, she said whether to take her grandchildren. She said that it is now popular for grandmother to take nephews, but not for mother-in-law to take grandchildren.At that time, she took the new culture as her main focus and taught her daughter-in-law not to give her any ideas.But when it was her turn to celebrate the festival, her mother-in-law said that her daughter-in-law would go to her husband’s home for the festival, so she could not go back to her mother’s home.Then she took her liking and taught her daughter-in-law to do things according to old ideas and methods.You can imagine what kind of son such a mother would raise.Her husband has been a mama’s boy since childhood and has never had an independent mind of his own.This shows how difficult it is for a person who has been nurtured for decades before a strong family culture to achieve differentiation and independence.However, when we are adults, we still have many opportunities to change through learning and complete our independent projects in our daily practice.As we grow into individuals who are able to differentiate and be independent, we can also be the ones who encourage others to be themselves, accept that they think differently from us, have good relationships, and live independently.